Jason Cook: Jason doesnt do short jokes as theyre short & cruel like a sadist midget

Jason Cook: my wife doesnt like anal sex, but i still make her watch me anyway

Jason Cook: im a geordie & my wife is jewish, she got annoyed when I said our kids would be judys

Jason Cook: i wish i was a south african lesbian cos ive always wanted to say the word clitoris (in a s. african accent)

Jason Cook: i wish i was a paedophile as theres nothing more rewarding than encouraging potential

Jason Cook: i wish i was my wife cos then id be right all the fucking time

Jason Cook: i wish i was a midget cos......YOUD BE A MIDGET

tweetcomedyclub: @jasonmarkcook is part of "Fucking Funny for a Fiver" which is on at The Tron as part of @fivepoundfringe 23:40 most evenings

tweetcomedyclub: this is now MATT GREEN

Matt Green: Hello! I don’t usually do one-liners. I usually tell stories. Turns out it’s quite hard to tell a story with just 140 characters.

Matt Green: Not that my stories usually have more than 140 characters. I’m not Dickens. They usually have one character: me. Being hapless. Anyway, here goes...!

Matt Green: I saw my all-time favourite poster in the window of a cafe. It just said: “FOOD THAT’S GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT!”

Matt Green: Surely that’s the minimum requirement of a cafe?

Matt Green: I was worried about swine flu so I bought a thermometer. On the box it says “can be used orally or rectally”. And I thought: Yeah...

Matt Green: But you have to make a choice... ...as a household. Maybe they should make them in 2 different colours. Perhaps red and brown?

Matt Green: I realised recently that I’m a member of a gym in the same way that North Korea is a member of the UN.

Matt Green: I’m rarely there, and whenever I do turn up I make a mockery of the point of the place!

Matt Green: Although unlike North Korea I have no Weapons of Mass Destruction...unless you count these bad boys (my arms)! Which you probably don’t...

Matt Green: I recently had a loft conversion. It converted to Islam. Now all of our neighbours’ lofts have become a little bit racist.

Matt Green: I read a headline in the paper which said: “Edinburgh Set For Rubbish Strike”. That’s a bit unfair, isn’t it?

Matt Green: At least let them HAVE the strike before reviewing it!

Matt Green: I use the trains a lot because I don’t drive. Not because I can’t, because I don’t want to. And because I can’t.

Matt Green: I was on a train recently when the screen on the platform said it was going one place, the screen on the train said somewhere else...

Matt Green: ...and a tannoy announcement said another totally different place!

Matt Green: I was worried so asked the guard: could you tell me where this train is going please? And he just said: “well where are YOU going?”

Matt Green: So I said: you don’t need to know that! Could you just tell me where the TRAIN is going please?

Matt Green: He said: “No. You tell me where YOU’RE going, THEN I’ll tell you where the TRAIN is going!”

Matt Green: I had no idea I had such POWER! I thought trains were clear about where they’re going, regardless of the wishes of any passengers on board.

Matt Green: Surely that’s the reason why you don’t get many train hijackings... [brandishes a gun] “Take me to London!”

Matt Green: “Very well sir, but you’ll have to get a replacement bus service from Peterborough!”

Matt Green: Thanks for listening and/or reading! I’ve been Matt Green / @mattgreencomedy.

Matt Green: Check out my show “Truth & Pleasure” at the Pleasance Hut @ 7.15pm every day. Bye!

tweetcomedyclub: Now we have @gerryhowell

Gerry Howell: Gerry's poem

Gerry Howell: I was born in a shoe in brick lane, my father was a cobbler, my mother was insane. Well, you'd have to be to marry a cobbler.

Gerry Howell: people used to say. Nowadays there much less stigma attached to mending shoes, it's just like being gay

Gerry Howell: i read in the newspaper - peanuts are not really nuts, they're more of a bean. did you know that? botanical correctness gone mad

Gerry Howell: i wrote to the royal mail the other day, i thought they'd appreciate it. they deliver so much mail, but none of its for them

Gerry Howell: knock knock - who's there - j edgar hoover

Gerry Howell: j edgar hoover who? j edgar hoover me j edgar hoover my dead body

Gerry Howell: i built a catflap the other day, but i threw it out of the window.

Gerry Howell: i dont have a cat, it was a big waste of time, but it suddenly turned into a cat, and landed on its feet, but it got run over by a truck

Gerry Howell: so now its a flat cat, and theres no need for a cat flap

Gerry Howell: i like to play musical chairs with my grandmother. because she's deaf. it's not as cruel as it sounds because she's in a wheelchair.

Gerry Howell: i went into nandos and ordered a chicken and an egg just to see what would come first.

tweetcomedyclub: @gerryhowell is presenting "Gerry Howell's incubation hour" at 17:15 every day at the Underbelly. Be sure to get along

tweetcomedyclub: kent valentine up now -

Kent Valentine: Hi twitterverse, you can probably tell from my accent that I'm Australian. I moved over to the UK because... well... my country was on fire.

Kent Valentine: And so I thought: Let's go somewhere where there's little chance of that happening.

Kent Valentine: My name's Kent, which in Australia, is a good name. Here in the UK however, it's akin to walking around being called Queensland.

Kent Valentine: I've had to leave my phone on for the gig because my fiancee back in London is 8 1/2 months pregnant, so this could be a really short spot.

Kent Valentine: We had fun telling people that we were having a baby. My preferred method: Showing them an ultrasound and saying "I made that with my balls"

Kent Valentine: My fiancée has a boy's name, which is great, b/c when you tell your homophobic Gran that you're having a baby with someone called Charly...

Kent Valentine: ...her face will go through a range of emotions that will earn you 5 star ratings if you record it and upload it to youtube.

Kent Valentine: Here are two for the typography fans: 1) Times New Roman is fooling no one, we know that underneath those serifs it's just Arial in a suit.

Kent Valentine: 2) Why is it that Times New Roman is the only font "serious enough" to report the news? I'm not saying Comic Sans MS, but come on...

Kent Valentine: ... surely the global financial shit-fest would be made so much better with a dash of Helvetica and some sexy kerning.

Kent Valentine: 3) My absolute favourite font is WingDings; it's like the alphabet went to a fancy dress party. "Look everyone, Q is dressed as a telephone"

Kent Valentine: It's time we stopped calling aliens "Intelligent Life". All they do is crop circles and probe farmers, so I don't think they went to uni.

Kent Valentine: In fact, if ALL they do is burn-outs and anal, we could even stop calling them aliens and just call them "other farmers".

Kent Valentine: People say that you should put your blood, sweat and tears into your work, but if you make cakes for a living, just use flour.

Kent Valentine: I hate it when bakeries have a sign up saying "Home-made pies". Why are you making them at home? You fuckers own a bakery.

Kent Valentine: There are 2 foxes near our house, we've called them Darth & Cunt-Face. 1 has breathing difficulties, the other looks like Simon Cowell.

Kent Valentine: CCTV cameras always have signs next to them saying "this camera is here for your comfort and security"…

Kent Valentine: …but what they mean is “we don’t trust you with our shit.”

Kent Valentine: I hate how SPAM is always so negative. I send out my own unwanted, but affirming emails. "You don't need a Rolex & that cock is big enough!"

Kent Valentine: When a 2nd hand shop has a sign saying "Turn your jewellery into cash" what they mean is "turn somebody else's jewellery into heroin"

Kent Valentine: Apples that are too floury to enjoy, but too crunchy to throw away in a world with not enough food, can just get fucked.

tweetcomedyclub: @kentvalentine is part of "Fucking Funny for a Fiver" which is on at The Tron as part of @fivepoundfringe 23:40 most evenings

tweetcomedyclub: TOM CRAINE EVERYONE

Thomas Craine: I didn’t have a TV till I was 15, so where as most people draw their comedic influences from sitcoms and cartoons…

Thomas Craine: I drew mine from loneliness and the Bible…

Thomas Craine: So brace yourself for gross introspection and vague homophobia.

Thomas Craine: Didn’t have a TV at home, but we did have a radio, as if my parents only had a problem with the visual end of entertainment

Thomas Craine: They’d tear all the images from my storybooks…

Thomas Craine: Quite a depressing state of affairs to be handed a pop up book when all that’s left is the mechanism

Thomas Craine: Once foolishly made the mistake of playing Chinese whispers on a school trip to Tiananmen Square and was subsequently arrested for conspiracy

Thomas Craine: Half expected to return home to find they’d replace all family photos with framed descriptions of where we’d been…

Thomas Craine: “Oooh, Spain 92… look how tanned it says you were”

Thomas Craine: I think, to deny your child a TV because you think it’ll lead him astray, is a little over zealous…

Thomas Craine: Its like denying your child a Rubix Cube because your concerned its RIGID segregation of colours will lead him towards racism

Thomas Craine: You will not walk in on him to see him tipexing every side the same colour screaming "why can’t it be like this father?"

Thomas Craine: That is not how causality works.

Thomas Craine: no tv meant i wasnt affected by advertising, the bible was my argos catalogue- one christmas i just asked for the gift of fogiveness.

Thomas Craine: i didnt get it so threw a massive tantrum, but it was ok, my mum forgave me

tweetcomedyclub: @thomascraine will be telling you about his "Comfort Blanket" at The Pleasance, every day: 19:15

tweetcomedyclub: JUSTIN MOORHOUSE IS ON NOW

Justin Moorhouse: Justin is doing it deadpan: (: im not having a nice time - i went to the toilet the other day in my venue - i was having a pee and someone

Justin Moorhouse: had put my flyer in the urinal - i was literally peeing on my own face. a man came in & saw it and looked at me like i was the weirdest

Justin Moorhouse: deviant he had ever seen. But because Im a massive publicist, I let him see what time i was on. imagine my pain when he pissed it back

Justin Moorhouse: and said hed already seen the reviews.

Justin Moorhouse: twitter crashed so we missed most of that, sorry

tweetcomedy2: NAT LUURTSEMA now!

Nat Luurtsema: Im from London, i live on a road that's 2 miles of fried chicken shops, it's a chicken's worst nightmare.

Nat Luurtsema: An adult chicken, obviously - the unborn are more scared of Easter.

Nat Luurtsema: My flatmate's a Christian, + for a giggle i like to draw " at the beginning + the end of his Bible. To make it all sound sarcastic.

Nat Luurtsema: I cried recently + my tears rolled neatly into the wrinkles under my eyes, then dropped precisely into the wrinkles by the side of my mouth.

Nat Luurtsema: Essentially my face has built gutters for my tears. It's laid the infrastructure for large-scale misery, what is it expecting?!

Nat Luurtsema: I bought a facial scrub recently. Made no difference to my face, just wore my fingers down to stumps. I do look younger now, but only from the wrists down.

Nat Luurtsema: My boyfriend won't hold my hand anymore, he says it's creepy. Says a romantic walk now feels like an abduction.

Nat Luurtsema: He's a lovely man. He treats me like a princess. Of a republic. Ignores me mainly, and won't let me make decisions.

Nat Luurtsema: He looks just like me, so if we have kids and he leaves me i wont end up stuck with kids that look like him. They'll look like me, and i'll tell everyone i made them by myself, like a maggot.

Nat Luurtsema: I probably shouldn't have kids. Whenever im cooking food i keep pulling it out of the oven to check how its doing and then i ruin it.

Nat Luurtsema: If i became pregnant Id struggle to break the habit. Couldn't resist a peek.

Nat Luurtsema: As a kid i played alone, i'd find a line of ants scurrying one behind the other, creep up on them, pick up the one at the end, swing him around my head, put him back and run away.

Nat Luurtsema: Because who the hell is going to believe him when he tells them what just happened to him?

tweetcomedy2: and now, Andrew O'Neill!

Andrew O'Neill: Good evening! Take my wife! My mother-in-law is so fat... she had one of those bands put on her stomach.

Andrew O'Neill: How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? JAM DOUGHNUTS!

Andrew O'Neill: Two nuns in the bath. One says “Have you got the soap?” The other replies “Yes, it does, doesn't it?”

Andrew O'Neill: Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? SANGRIA!!

Andrew O'Neill: “I've got a new doctor.” “Is he a witch doctor?” “No, he's fully qualified.”

Andrew O'Neill: Did you hear about the dyslexic who went to a toga party as a ROMAN!?? Yeah. They're not idiots.

Andrew O'Neill: Diamonds are a girl's best friend. The dog is man's best friend. Little menthol lozenges are a fisherman's best friend.

Andrew O'Neill: Starburst do not contribute to your 5 portions of fresh fruit and veg a day.

Andrew O'Neill: The Japanese are fine about Hiroshima, but touchy about Nagasaki.

Andrew O'Neill: Mountains are the Earth's boobs. Turkish Delight is made from Kurdish children.

Andrew O'Neill: The internet is switched off on Sundays so they can sweep behind the big computer.

Andrew O'Neill: The film Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle is based on The Iliad.

Andrew O'Neill: The proprietor of the wallpaper shop FADS didn't expect it to last.

Andrew O'Neill: Billy Ocean stretches from Alaska to the coast of Russia. Funfairs are often neither.

Andrew O'Neill: Ghosts are more afraid of you than you are of them.

Andrew O'Neill: SHOPPING, KILLING AND STEALING... THE THREE MAIN TYPES OF SPREE!!

Andrew O'Neill: FISH, IRON AND WAR... THE THREE MAIN TYPE OF MONGER!

Andrew O'Neill: Shoodly-bap-bap ba-doo-dap-bap-ba boodly bap bap baa (400 yards, turn left). Shoodla-baddla shoodla-baddla shoodla-baddla shoodla-baddla (take the roundabout, third exit). Shoop-do-bap-ba-doo-da (turn round where possible). SCAT NAV!

Andrew O'Neill: Think advertising's never hurt anyone, do you? Try telling that to my mate PHILLIP BANG!

Andrew O'Neill: Why did Richard Dawkins cross the road? Evolution!

Andrew O'Neill: Foxes glacier mints are getting smaller. EXPLAIN THAT, CLIMATE-CHANGE DENIERS!

Andrew O'Neill: Orange peel, lemon peel, John Peel. EXPLAIN THAT, CREATIONISTS!

Andrew O'Neill: A head, half human, writhing with tentacles. A hand, withered and gnarled with age. A mouth, puckered and blue, clamped open in a silent scream. IF YOU HAVE TWO OR MORE OF THESE SYMPTOMS, YOU MAY BE DIABETIC. Consult your GP or Witch Doctor.

Andrew O'Neill: (sung)ROBIN HOOD! ROBIN HOOD! KEEPING ROBINS DRY IN THE RAIN! (From the people who brought you SPARROW BROLLIES!)

Andrew O'Neill: I'm not scared of knife crime. I always carry a blade! (A copy of the film Blade on DVD.) LOOK! SCARY VAMPIRES!

Andrew O'Neill: I had a cat that was born blind. Its alright though, I just forced reflective road markings into the front of its head.

tweetcomedy2: @destructo9000 - Andrew is at the Tron every night at 22:20 being an "Occult Comedian". Also, at 3pm a free show at Nicol Edwards Cinema

tweetcomedy2: @michaellegge is on now. hes finished wanking

Michael Legge : /how am i supposed to type this sort of stuff up michael?

Michael Legge : michaels just talking to the audience, its difficult to type. at least hes stopped wanking at the back of the room

Michael Legge : michael is talking to @sternwolf

Michael Legge : . @sternwolf is a cunt

Michael Legge : . @smallportions is a cunt

Michael Legge : . @tiernandouieb is a stupid, stupid stupid cunt - we have to go now to get out of the room. will wrap it up in another room