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Monday
8th June 2009 - 8pm |
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tweetcomedyclub:
#tcgig OK 5 minutes all! Can everyone who is not an act PLEASE stop
tweeting the gig's hashtag - that includes retweets. It'll only clog
it |
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tweetcomedyclub:
#tcgig Can everyone who is not an act PLEASE stop tweeting the gig's
hashtag - that includes retweets. It'll only clog the gig. Ok - ready? |
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tweetcomedyclub:
#tcgig The gig is about to start - if you wish to heckle, please @reply
to the act on stage. They might respond, they might not. |
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tweetcomedyclub:
#tcgig If you get too drunk and shout at your computer before being
asked to leave by your mum/partner/friend that is your own fault. |
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tweetcomedyclub:
#tcgig now is everyone ready? Please welcome your host, Mr Tiernan
Douieb! @tiernandouieb |
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TiernanDouieb:
Ladies and gentlemen, animals, cartoon characters, spambots, trolls
and twelebrities, welcome to the first ever Twitter Comedy Club!!
#tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
Tonight we virtually bring you 8 of the very best comedy acts right
into your home in the most cost effective and legal way. #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
I'm going to be your host for this evening. My name is Tiernan Douieb,
which is mainly because my parents are hilarious. #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
And we will aim to cheer up your Monday, because everyone says Monday
is the worst day. Personally, I think Doomsday's worse. #tcgig |
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GaryDelaney:
*Joins queue for dressin room toilet tutting and fidgeting nervously*
#tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
I won't be putting links between my jokes or you'll just click on
them and look at other pages #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
So how is everyone? Give a *cheer* to @tweetcomedyclub and #twitcom
if you're watching, and youre up for a good night of twitter gags
#tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
Hope its lovely in your part of the world. Its rainy and crap here.
I hate it. I suffer from seasonal affected depression...#tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
...which is why I can't put any extra salt and pepper on anything
or I get sad. #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
Tonight will be a bit experimental. Might be sort of experiment where
you go to NASA and watch a rocket take off and fly to the moon #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
Or could be the sort of experiment where you go to NASA and watch
a rocket take off, it reaches 80ft and explodes and everyone cries
#tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
Its nice to be able to put on a gig for free in these times of financial
hardship. At the v.least you will get your money's worth. #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
Did think that the crunch didnt affect me as Im poor all the time
anyway, so it just means more people to hang around with in the day
#tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
If money was no object, then how would I pay for things in cash? #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
Really though its all about having lots of fun and I hope it leads
to other virtual twitter entertainment based nights. #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
Perhaps a live Dick Twittington panto where he goes to London in search
of 'Tweets paved with gold.' Possibly a live cookery event... #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
...where theyll you how to boil an RTchoke. Then itll all go too far
and some1 will die tweeting while suffering from a brain twumour #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
I must say its great to be here. But thats cos Im in my flat and my
flat's great. #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
Normally drive lots. Ive got a convertible. I say its a convertible.
Its a car, and using the wheel it sometimes turns into a road. #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
Yesterday I was in Glasgow. I love Glaswegians, there are brilliant.
Unless you get very drunk and decide that everytime you hear...#tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
...someone say 'I'll just have a wee drink', thats its funny to shout
'Urgh! You drink piss!' They don't like that much. #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
Tonight will be the first show Ive done in my PJs. I once did a gig
naked. It was to only one person though. She laughed at first...#tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
Im also sitting here drinking a cupasoup. Love soup. Think it should
be advertised with the line 'are you too lazy to chew your food? #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
My favourite soup is miso. I like to think its soup that tells you
just how soup it is. #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
So hope youre all comfortable whereever you are and ready for the
show. If you're not warmed up may I suggest putting the heating on?
#tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
As an MC I should try and banter with you all a bit. Where are you
all from? What do you all do? #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
I can't even see you to make 'hilarious' observations. Lots of comics
do that. They always pick the same victims, like ginger people #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
Well to show them up, it was recently proved that early man was ginger,
which says that gingers are the basis for humanity. #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
Either that or it means they haven't quite evolved yet. #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
For those creationists, 'evolved' is a word you use when you're a
grown up. #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
So forgetting the banter lets get you all participating in some cheeky
celebrity tweeting. You up for that? #tcgig |
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Robheeney:
#tcgig I can't believe he's over-running ... I've a double-up on Myspace
to get to! |
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TiernanDouieb:
Before I do that, please can you not all use the hashtag! Its clogging
up the stream for people that want to watch. #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
Right, The fave twelebrity couple are Ashton and Demi. Lets all send
Demi (mrskutcher) my next tweet for a laff on my count of 3. #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
If that bout of cheekiness to celebs hasnt warmed you up nothing will.
Some rules for tonight....#tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
Firstly please do not use the #tcgig hashtag unless you are a comic
on the line-up. #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
If you want to praise, applaud, cheer or anything else just @ reply
the act, or #twitcom hashtag it #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
If you want to heckle and criticise send an @ reply to @whydontyougoandfuckyourselfangryheckler
#tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
So without further ado, give a very warm welcome to an act that made
it to the finals of the US comedy leg amputation competition #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
'Last Comic Standing' - *cheer* and *applaud* for the first act to
take to the Twitter Comedy stage...@mattkirshen!
#tcgig |
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mattkirshen:
#You seem nice. This is the first gig I've ever done with a visible
erection |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig Which is bad as I'm at the back of Old Rope about to do a real
gig. Still, they're all friends |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig Which is bad as I'm at the back of Old Rope about to do a real
gig. Still, they're all friends |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig I guess I'll start with the only one liners I've ever written... |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig So I was in a limbo competition and the music started "How
low, can you go?" I said "I once stole a dialysis machine |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig I think I'm allergic to swimming. It turns my piss blue |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig This is probably a huge mistake but I'd like to tell you a
story. It happened to me in America last year... |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig There's a museum in LA I'd urge you to go. It's run by the
Scientologists. And it's called Psychiatry: An Industry of Death |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig. They are proper mental - you go in there and it first takes
you psychiatry though the ages |
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GaryDelaney:
*writes put downs on hand in preparation for a rowdy crowd, goes to
toilet again* #tcgig |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig There's the Nazi room. As far as I can work out their argument
goes "Some Nazis were psychiatrists... therefore all psychs are
nazis" |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig At the end of the tour a representative approaches you. And
I know nothing about psychiatry but I did do a maths degree |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig and I can still spot a bullshit statistic a mile off. So I
was like Well it's a very interesting museum, but one or two facts
are off |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig. Like In the school shooting room (seriously) you show that
the kids from Columbine has psychiatric treatment first |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig But in the same room it says half a million american kids have
had phych treatment |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig So if 500K have had treatment and only 2 do a shooting, surely
499999 kids don't. So the treatment's safe. Or unrelated |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig - by that token drinking milk leads to school shooting. Or
wearing a hat. Here he is with a hat - there he is shooting. Ban hats |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig He said Let me ask you this: Huns have been around hundreds
of years. First psych medicine 1961, first shooting 1962 |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig But that's not true - neither guns nor schools have been around
hundreds of years - not in their modern incarnation |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig Kids used to leave school at 11 to join the family trade. And
you can't do a school shooting.. with a musket. |
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GaryDelaney:
*quietly asks other acts if this gig is cash or cheque to follow*
#tcgig |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig "YOU KIDS HAVE BULLIED ME FOR THE LAST TIME". *pours
shot, then powder, then dampens it down etc* |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig Then our final argument and I swear this is true and on the
wall there at the museum |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig It says one in ten psychiatrists or psychologists admit to
sexually abusing or raping their patients |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig ADMIT! That's the mad bit. You wouldn't find 1 in 10 people
on a prison ward that only houses rapists, admit to it |
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Robheeney:
Does anyone know if we get a free drink? I hope so ... they're not
giving us accommodation. Do I have time for a quick piss? #tcgig |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig Shit. I'm not going to have time to even finish the story.
This was a massive overestimate as to how much I can type |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig Not even had time to look at heckles let alone respond to them |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig Probably for the best - I get the weird ones - got this one
once and if it was ironic it would have been great but it wasn't |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig Genuinely got heckled once with "That's racist, you Jewish
C***" |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig It was a joke about New Orleans, but I do believe if the meaning
behind the joke is legit, so is the joke |
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Robheeney:
Whispers *Bollocks ...are we not allowed to say 'cunt'? * #tcgig |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig And the joke was simply "Given that the disaster happened
somewhere called *New* Orleans, what'll they call it when it's rebuilt?" |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig Maybe they should do it the washing powder way "New Improved
Orleans Ultra" |
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mattkirshen:
#tcgig I think that'll do for a closer. Thank you people. Heckle away
and enjoy the rest x |
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tweetcomedyclub:
Its @TiernanDouieb here! I've run out of frikkin tweets so using this
account! #tcgig |
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tweetcomedyclub:
Give it up for @mattkirshen!
Please @ reply to him if you enjoyed it. Matts show at the Edinburgh
festival will be at the Pleasance...#tcgig |
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Robheeney:
Hi, I'm Rob; I know what you're thinking ... and yes, I DO look like
the bastard son of a Facebook status update and a text message #tcgig |
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tweetcomedyclub:
Courtyard everyday at 22.00. And you can check some of his vids and
stuff at www.mattkirshen.com. Dont forget to follow him too! #tcgig |
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Robheeney:
oops ... I'm not even on yet.Bollocks. Shit. #tcgig |
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tweetcomedyclub:
Right next act (who will hopefully type quicker...Matts only got childs
hands)...#tcgig |
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tweetcomedyclub:
Next up we have an act who will be tweeting all the way from the home
of being able to open jars and do DIY, while farting ... #tcgig |
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tweetcomedyclub:
The Isle of Man. Please *applaud* and *cheer* and give it up for @RobHeeney!!
#tcgig |
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Robheeney:
I'm a bit thick. I used to think a mongoose was a swan with special
needs .. I thought it had Eider-down syndrome. #tcgig |
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Robheeney:
Apparently 85% of British men can't perform even the simplest of DIY
tasks and need to hire a handyman. According to a Pole. #tcgig |
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Robheeney:
My mum only sees the positive in people ... which ultimately cost
her her job as an HIV tester. #tcgig |
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Robheeney:
If red wine is the blood of Christ then I'm not sure I'm ever going
to drink white wine again! #tcgig |
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Robheeney:
and definitely not Rose wine #tcgig |
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Robheeney:
hmmm ... bit of new material there making its farewell appearance
#tcgig |
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Robheeney:
I'd love to know what Ripley would make of "I Can't Believe It's
Not Butter" #tcgig |
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Robheeney:
"Love at first sight" only works in retrospect. "Hello
I'm Dave. I love you". "OK, Dave. Thanks for that. Mental!"
#tcgig |
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Robheeney:
My granddad died while reading in the bath - although it was his fault
as it was a Word for Windows document #tcgig |
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Robheeney:
When men (looking at a girl) says, "If I was 20 years younger",
what they really mean is, "If I were handsome"... #tcgig |
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Robheeney:
I saw a Vampire kettle the other day. Grrr ... that really makes my
blood boil! #tcgig |
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Robheeney:
If you tell someone that they look a million dollars, is that compliment
worth about 30 per cent more than it was last year? #tcgig |
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Robheeney:
Did you see that John McEnroe won a seniors tournament just 8 days
after a vasectomy? Incredible, seeing as how he was unseeded. #tcgig |
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Robheeney:
Went to Paradox n'club hoping to meet the girl of my dreams knowing
she'd never go there. Maybe that's why it was called the Paradox #tcgig |
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Robheeney:
I finally managed to successfully steal a bike in Saudi at the THIRD
attempt. I was riding down the road going, "Look. No hands!"
#tcgig |
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Robheeney:
is it wrong to do a gig whilst on the toilet? Actually i think i know
the answer. And no, I'm not. Or am I? #tcgig |
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Robheeney:
i like my coffee like i like my men, in that i never ever drink it.
Well, not unless i'm really drunk to sober myself up #tcgig |
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Robheeney:
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, and should
definitely view double glazing as a necessity rather than a luxury
#tcgig |
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Robheeney:
... once the double-glazing is sorted, stone-throwing should be fine.
#tcgig |
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Robheeney:
... oh yeah, and curtains are a must too. #tcgig |
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Robheeney:
They say you only play Twitter Comedy twice in your career, but it's
more to do with the transitory nature of social networking sites #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
yes I can tweet again. Never run out of words at a real gig. Scary.
#tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
Moving straight on, our third act has been said to have '“..the
maturity of a 14 year old.” now be assured that as this is online,
he #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
..is definitely older than that, and isnt just pretending so you can
see his profile and he can chat with older boys. Welcome ...#tcgig |
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CarlDonnelly:
Evening everyone. It's a pleasure to be here, although, I was on Facebook
last night so it’s a pleasure to be anywhere! Boom! #tcgig |
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CarlDonnelly:
Have really been working really hard to get my set together for this
gig. #tcgig |
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CarlDonnelly:
It’s taken a lot of sleepless nights working on suitable material
in the right 140 character format. #tcgig |
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CarlDonnelly:
I hope you’re all ready for the bombs i’m about to drop?
Let’s kick this monkey into space then shall we? #tcgig |
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CarlDonnelly:
Shit. @Major_Chavez
spotted the flaw in my plan in that people following on phones are
out of the loop. Sorry dudes! #tcgig |
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CarlDonnelly:
Some people call it a cop out. I call it sheer laziness! Get it right
people! #tcgig |
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CarlDonnelly:
Anyways. I think i've set the benchmark for 'lowest effort of the
night'. Beat that Twitter Comedians! I've been Carl Donnelly. Bye!
#tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
Underbelly everyday from 21.05. Do also follow him and @ reply. Yesterday
he told me he would just be tweeting pictures of his cock. #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
Our final act of the first section ladies and gentlemen, deserves
a very warm welcome. Lots of *applause*, *cheering* and *whooping*..#tcgig |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig Hello tweeps! (leaves appropriate length pause for imagined
response.... that'll do, continues) |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig As some of you will know, I'm principally a composer and performer
of FUNNY SONGS (faint groan of dread resounds around internet); |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig As such, a question much asked of me during the build-up to
this event was - how the hell do you do funny songs over Twitter? |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig Only kidding! I’ve worked out what to do but it involves
bending my own rules a bit. Normally I never write funny words to
old songs; |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig … but today I’m making an exception. The words
will appear here and you’ll have to sing them to yourselves.
Now you DO know this tune |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig but just to make it more fun I’m not telling you what
it is. Shouldn’t take you a minute to figure it out. |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig Everybody ready? Here we go (and keep refreshing ‘cos
these will come thick n’ fast…) |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig Is this the real life?/No it’s the twitterverse/Life
in short bursts of/Just one-forty characters |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig Stay in your house/And click on your mouse and seeee-/There
is no need for actual activity… |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig Because it’s easy come, easy go, Follow or Un-follow/Anyway
the topics trend, doesn’t really matter to me, to me(bong bong
bong etc.) |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig Mama, I’m twittering/And I’m feeling slightly crazed/Been
online for six straight days |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig Mama, life is almost gone/I haven’t even got up for a
wee |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig Mama ooo-oo-oo-ooooo,You might want to get some help/If I still
haven’t moved this time tomorrow/ |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig Twitter on, twitter on, as if nothing really matters(bong bong
bong bong BONG bong BONG bong…) |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig Too late, I’ve wet myself/Sends shivers down my legs/Boots
are catching all the dregs |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig Goodbye everybody, I’ve got to go/I can always use my
iPhone on the lav |
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GaryDelaney:
Go Mitch. I can't believe you've figured out a way to musical this
gig up. Nice one. #tcgig |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig Mama ooo-oooo-oo- (send out for a pi-zza) I don’t want
to tweet, I sometimes wish I’d never logged on at all… |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig (here comes the opera section, darlings!) dum dum dum dum dum
dum dum dum |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig I see a little grainy twitpic of a man/SCARAMOUCHE SCARAMOUCHE
WILL YOU START A NEW HASHTAG #lyricsthathavegota-referencetodoctor-WHO |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig Gallifrey-o Gallifrey-o Gallifrey-o Gallifrey-o Gallifrey-o
and Skar-o PUNTASTIC-OOOO-OOO |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig I’m just a dull boy no-one re-tweets me HE IS JUST A
DULL BOY WITH A SMALL FOLLOWING LET’S BLOCK HIM AND-STAMP ON
HIS-BLACKBERRY |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig I am not on TV, will you follow me? BISMILLAH NO! WE WILL NOT
FOLLOW YOU Follow me! BISMILLAH! WE WILL NOT FOLLOW YOU |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig Follow me! BISMILLAH! WE WILL NOT FOLLOW YOU WILL NOT FOLLOW
YOU (follow me!) NEVER NEVER NEVER FOLLOW YOU-OO-OOO NO NO NO NO NO
NO |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig Directmessage directmessage directmessage let me go /And @neilhimself
has a devil on a shelf for me, for me, for meeee…(headbang
NOW) |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig NER ner ner ner ne-neddler NER ner ner neddler-ner (etc.) |
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Robheeney:
It's just Delaney. He's shitting himself! It's his biggest gig ever...
and mine RT @GaryDelaney *acts headbang in dressing room* #tcgig |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig So you think you can spam me and twit in my eye/So you think
you can love me and not @stephenfry |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig Oh baby - can’t do this to me baby, Just gotta log out-just
gotta log right outta here (NER ner ner ner ne-neddler etc.) |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig No-one really twitters/ Anyone can see/ No-one really twitters,
No-one really twitters, to me… |
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MitchBenn:
#tcgig (This is where the gong goes....) bonggggggg |
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MsClara:
#tcgig It's Mitch here using my Mrs's profile! Bugger! Blew my twits-per
hour limit! Didn't know I bloody had one? all still here? |
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MsClara:
#tcgig It's Mitch here using my Mrs's profile! Bugger! Blew my twits-per
hour limit! Didn't know I bloody had one? all still here? |
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MsClara:
#tcgig anyway, as I was saying, since Tiernan told me to treat this
as a regular gig… |
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MsClara:
#tcgig …I’m going to spend the last bit shamelessly plugging
my merchandise! (there’s 6,000 of you; I’m ugly but I’m
not stupid) |
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MsClara:
#tcgig I’ve just set up my download store; new out today is
my TWITTER EP–all my Now Show Twitter songs, inc. guest bit
from @stephenfry |
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TiernanDouieb:
Hooray for @MitchBenn!
Great stuff. Mitch's website with actual songs you can hear and stuff
is at http://www.mitchbenn.com/. Don't...#tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
Forget to add him, although judging by all his followers, you probably
have already. ;-) #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
Now its time for a ten minute #twinterval or twintermission if you
will. #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
Please use this time sensibly and go do usual interval things like
go to the loo, get a drink, watch some telly, put the kettle on...#tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
...talk to your cat, surf other less funny social networking sites
etc and then we will return at 21.00 (BST) with more acts #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
Sorry, meant to be returning at 21.30! I clearly cant tell the time.
#tcgig |
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Robheeney:
To everyone who asked, I'll be appearing in Edinburgh at the Canon's
Gait, 7:10pm, rom.com. (It ain't one-liners) - heads to bar #tcgig |
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tweetcomedyclub:
OK everyone - that's the end of part one - it's going ok if people
please don't use the #tcgig hashtag.It's only for acts. Please remember! |
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TiernanDouieb:
RT @ZAmmi
easiest way to avoid hashtag blues, just tell people to click directly
on to the comedians profile page to follow... Works. #tcgig |
PART
TWO
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TiernanDouieb:
Welcome back to the second section of the Twitter Comedy Club! Did
you all have a good #twinterval? #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
Couple of tips for this section from @ZAmmi
and @rohaq.
Either follow comics direct or go to #tccrowd to avoid spammers! #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
Did many of you have cigarettes in the twinterval? Smoking ban doesnt
affect this gig. Unless you live in a public place. #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
I hate the smoking ban. Its unfair. Think of the thousands of magicians
that have had to learn to disappear behind something else. #tcgig |
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TiernanDouieb:
I had a scary #twinterval as I ate some nuts. I dont have a nut allergy
but a friend of mine says I look like someone who should have #tcgig |
|
TiernanDouieb:
Its exciting gigging on Twitter. I wasn't sure of it at first. Its
the term 'following' that scares me. #tcgig |
|
TiernanDouieb:
If you say 'Im following you on Twitter', thats nice. But if you say
'I'm following you', thats a bit rapey. #tcgig |
|
TiernanDouieb:
I love the interwebs, but not as much as the @ sign does. Before email
and Twitter other symbols used to just laugh at it. #tcgig |
|
TiernanDouieb:
Haha look at your stupid tail! It looks like a fish turd,' they would
say. Now who's laughing out loud? Thats right L and O and L. #tcgig |
|
TiernanDouieb:
Worst online mistake I made was putting water on my Instant Messenger.
It did not become a postman like I thought it would. #tcgig |
|
TiernanDouieb:
Best thing about tonight is that people all over the world can watch.
Which means I no longer have to just disappoint people locally #tcgig |
|
TiernanDouieb:
I'm guessing people are watching from lots of different countries
tonight? Tweet where you’re from to #twitcom or @tweetcomedyclub
#tcgig |
|
TiernanDouieb:
If you are from Europe, on behalf of the other liberal minded Brits,
I'm very sorry for some of the MEP's we are sending to you. #tcgig |
|
TiernanDouieb:
In mythology, the Griffin is part lion, part bird. Yet Nick Griffin
of the BNP is all cock. #tcgig |
|
TiernanDouieb:
Its a sad day when we're sending BNP as our reps to Europe. Lets hope
they dont turn up cos they're put off by all 'the foreigners' #tcgig |
|
TiernanDouieb:
All the UK parliament is in a mess at the moment. If Labour lose any
more members it’ll be less of a party, more a gathering #tcgig |
|
TiernanDouieb:
I shouldnt really try and do political gags. It was only recently
I realised that 'Trotsky' wasnt a Russian word for a small pig #tcgig |
|
TiernanDouieb:
Ive also only just learnt that the Black Death wasn't a blaxplotation
film where when Death appeared, funk music would play. #tcgig |
|
TiernanDouieb:
Before we bring on our first act in the second section, lets have
more twelebrity tweeting cheekiness. *cheer* if you're up for that!
#tcgig |
|
TiernanDouieb:
Now there are three. Ashton, 50 Cent or Lily Allen (which may get
me in trouble) which one? #tcgig |
|
TiernanDouieb:
Right no responses. Lets start with fiddy. All copy, paste and send
my next tweet! #tcgig |
|
Robheeney:
Interval rumour - *i've heard that Mirth Control have approached Twitter
and undercut Tiernan's zero costs* #tcgig |
|
TiernanDouieb:
@50cent
How does it feel now you are worth 31p or a whole 36 euro cents? Excited?
Thats nearly a whole bag of crisps. #twitcom |
|
TiernanDouieb:
And because you asked, here's the Lily one, but you all have to copy,
paste and send it, ok? #tcgig |
|
TiernanDouieb:
@lilyroseallen
cats die if they touch Lillies. Are you toxic to pussies too? And
if so, why isn't James Corden dead? #twitcom |
|
TiernanDouieb:
Have that twelebrities! Hope you all tweeted them! Everyone warmed
up for the second section? #tcgig |
|
TiernanDouieb:
btw if you didnt see them, thats cos they weren't tagged. Have a look
at my updates for em. #tcgig |
|
TiernanDouieb:
That should have got you all ready to start the next section. Get
those *cheers* and *applause* ready for the King of one-liners...#tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
Hello. Here are some jokes I wrote for you. #TCC |
|
GaryDelaney:
Jimmy Saville has been receiving hate mail. Apparently one letter
was only the start of it. #TCC |
|
GaryDelaney:
Rolf Harris has been unwell for a while but sadly his Doctor can't
tell what it is yet. #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
I used to play around with time machines when I was older. #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
If you write 'rotaluclac' on your boobs and then stand upside down
it says 'calculator'. #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
Just seen a picture of Freud's mum. She's hot! #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
The BNP would have got many more votes, but when their supporters
saw a cross on the ballot paper they set fire to it. #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
I hosted an Antonio Banderas lookalike competition on my boat but
it sank and I ended up drowning my zorros. #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
I'm now 20 hours into my sponsored semaphore marathon, unfortunately
I'm starting to flag quite badly. #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
I used to run the Iranian branch of Madame Taussaud's but it was almost
impossible to make a prophet. #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
'The Disclaimers' would be a great tribute band. 'We are nothing to
do with those ginger Scottish guys'. #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
Domestic abuse is more common in Scotland than in England or Wales.
Which just goes to show that they'll batter anything up there. #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
I saw Newsnight but instead of in-depth analysis the host ran around
eating dots and chasing ghosts. Last time I watch Jeremy Pacman #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
If you're dying from an epilectic fit does your life flash in front
of your eyes? Because that wouldn't help. #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
As kids we always used to play 'Knock Down Ginger'. The hard part
was getting hold of a car. #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
Apparently in a past life I was really gullible. #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
Went out for lunch today. The restaurant had a big sign saying 'The
Chef's Special'. So at least that explains the food. #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
Hunting elephants for ivory. Tsk tsk. #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
I was thrown out of my cloning exam for copying the kid next to me.
#tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
RT tweckler’smom @TheEntireNavy
‘I’ll take you all on lads. Pick a hole. No need to fight
there’s room for all’. #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
When the doctor told dad he'd got palsy his face fell. #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
I've got a French donkey. He goes 'Haw hee haw hee haw'. #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
Suggestion to Katie out of the Ting Tings. Maybe wear some sort of
name badge? #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
I bought a book to look up minor medical procedures but it wasn't
much use as it's appendix had been removed. #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
I have decided to reinvent myself as the English Chris Rock. 'Man,
I love red-headed people, but I hate gingers'. #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
The woman out of Heart is now a mortgage advisor but finding market
conditions tough. http://www.youtube.com/watc... #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
EU Trivia: The Benelux Countries were originally going to be called
the Nether Regions. #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
Why are there no records of meetings of the premature ejaculators
support group? Because there’s no one who can take minutes.
#tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
Just joined PornTwitter. I've now got nearly 400 swallowers. #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
Bit disappointed by Walt Disney On Ice. It's just an old bloke in
a freezer. #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
My short lived career as an underwear model came to an end when I
forgot my pants and had to do in my P.E. kit. #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
They told the inventor of alphabetti spaghetti it would work, but
he made them eat their words. #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney:
I'm not surprised women are annoyed over the glass ceiling in the
workplace. I wouldn't want to to clean it either. #tcgig |
 |
GaryDelaney2:
Never ask Siamese twins 'can I join you?' #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney2:
AC/DC’s 1975 Lock Up Your Daughters Tour visited Austria. #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney2:
I think dolphins invented cancer just so they’d have people
to swim with. #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney2:
I caught my daughter masturbating. Finally. #tcgig |
|
tweetcomedyclub:
two announcements. My celebtweets were tagged #twitcom if you couldnt
see em. #tcgig |
|
tweetcomedyclub:
Moving straight on we've an act whose 1st name rhymes with Terry and
his surname rhymes with Saunders.... #tcgig |
 |
terrysaunders:
Thank you and hello twits. Normally doing standup I'm let down by
my appalling mic techinique - but my typing speed is 74 wpm #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
I'm smoking in a comedy club, take that, the law #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
In fact, I once used it to wow a small Jewish woman in a Golders Green
temping agency who refused to believe a man could type so fast #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
By the way, if you are a spotify user, fire it up now. We might need
some mood affecting music in a bit #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
A special hello to UK twits, but only indigenous ones, so none of
you descended from Viking or Roman occupation #tcgig #nickgriffinisacunt |
|
terrysaunders:
I am trying to raise awareness. I had a health scare recently, not
a bad one, but enough to convince me I was definitely going to die
#tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
It happened one morning, when I woke up to find that overnight three
body parts had conspired agianst me and resigned from my cabinet #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
1 of 3: MY LEFT EYE WAS ALL SWOLLEN UP. I hadn’t gotten punched
or stuck things in it the night before. So this was a bit of a worry
#tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
2 of 3: MY LEFT NOSTRIL WAS SWOLLEN UP AND BLOCKED. I had a bogey
I was saving for the morning that I now couldn’t reach. More
worry #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
These two things weren’t really a major concern. That was until
I noticed @terrysaunders symptoms 3 of 3: MY LEFT TESTICLE WAS ACHING
#tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
i decided to go the doctors, scared I was having the worlds shittest
stroke #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
I got to the doctors as quick as I could, battling through the swine
flu panickers (aah swine flu, remember that? #ilovemay2009 ) #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
For the first time in my life it happened: The doctor was significantly
younger than me. Certainly young enough to make me feel old #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
How young can you be to be a qualified doctor at? Answers on a hashtag
please #doctorsarethisoldterry #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
This one looked about 17. When a testicle is aching I'd prefer an
older doctor, in a bowtie and preferably holding a baby (see fig 1)
#tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
And she was an attractive female. I was about to insist she looked
at at least half of my testicles. I began to wish I’d washed.
#tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
I told her what ailed me. Beginning with eye, trying to delay mentioning
my unmentionables. Moving down to the nose. Then I paused. #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
I had this worry I always get at doctors. Should you use medical terms
to or the words you'd normally use? #testiclesorballs? #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
To my eternal shame I went with the latter, and actually said “It’s
my balls, doc.”. I said “Doc”. NB: I am not Bugs
Bunny. #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
It would be easy to slip in that she smiled a bit at my words. But
the truth is she looked an uneasy mix of scared and disgusted. #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
Though she wouldn’t be the first woman with that look on her
face upon viewing my testes. #tcgig #bodoom-tsh |
|
terrysaunders:
She checked my eye, it was a stye. I'm not entirely sure what a stye
is, but she reassured me that it definitely wasn't a cataract #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
Onto the nose. She told me what it was, and you never feel like you've
wasted NHS time more until a doctor says to you "It's a spot"
#tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
So far my hypochondria wasn't justified, I hoped something was seriously
wrong with the ball or I was really going to look stupid #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
Leading me to a bed with a roll of paper on it she pulled a curtain,
between me and the door "in case anyone comes in" #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
I began to strip, she asked me what I did for a living. I told her
I was a comedian "Dressed like that I thought you were a musician"
#tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
I wasn't sure if this was because I was wearing skinny jeans or the
fact that they were round my ankles, like a musician (see fig 2) #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
She came into my curtained area, I'd made a fatal error. I should
have pulled both jeans and pants* in one move, now I was trapped.
#tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
*for american followers, that's jeans and underpants #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
Now that I had to peel my pants down in front of a woman, I tried
not to think sexy, but I couldn't get a certain song out of my head
#tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
What is the protocol? Whip them down quick, like a plaster? Or peel
them down slow? Which is least sexy? #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
Arguably it's going to be unsexy if its me doing the peeling (see
fig. 2 again,
but I would welcome tweets protesting this) #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
She finally got around to inspecting my poor aching testicle. Now,
in my memory, she was kneeling down. I'm not entirely sure she was
#tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
for the first time I looked up, away from her medical hands. I noticed
something about the room that had previously escaped me (fig4) #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
There was a window. And where the curtain had been pulled to cover
the door it had pulled the other side round revealing the window #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
This window had its own curtains open and it looked out to street
level. thereby people could see in. And could see this view (fig3)
#tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
I didn't have the heart to tell her, she asked me what kind of comedy
I do, I saw a child pointing at me from a pushchair #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
I told her I just tell stories about things that happen to me in my
life. She said "I hope you're not going to talk about me"
#tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
I resisted saying"I wasn't going to until you inspected my aching
ball in full view of the world" in case she gave me something
nasty #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
She said she was going to send me for a scan, saying that "if
something was to be wrong I'd feel terrible" I told her I'd feel
worse #tcgig |
|
GaryDelaney2:
This set was a selection from stuff I'm writing for my debut Edinburgh
show in 2010. Join the mailing list if you fancy it. #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
And so I went and got my left bollock bombarded with ultrasound (the
best kind of sound) and sticky gel #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
Should point out though, I had to wait to be referred, took ages.
But like an iphone ad, steps have been removed in this story #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
The hospital, full of the dead and notso dead, scared me.The ultrasound
doctor wasn't as cool as his job title would have you believe #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
I'd gotten quite used to the ache. Like an old friend. The doctor
was an older man, wearing a bowtie and bizarrely, holding a baby #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
He made me strip, I'd counteracted my earlier problems by wearing
those trousers what strippers wear that tear off…and no underpants!
#tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
It was identical (the scan) to the what women have are pregnant (testicles
aside), when they point out the babies arm and that #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
Not that he ever pointed at an image of my testicle and said "there's
its arm" #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
He started to click, scan and whistle (I wasn't comfortable about
that) but I couldn't see the screen. They were my balls, not fair
#tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
After about ten mins of this he pulled the screen round. He pointed
at a dark line on the image of second favourite ball and said….
#tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
"You see that worm, there" Those were the words he used.
Worm… worm. he carried on… #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
"That's a clump of veins that might be causing the aching."
#tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
I said "CHOOSE YOUR WORDS MORE CAREFULLY PLEASE, DOC." #tcgig |
|
terrysaunders:
Two weeks later I got the results. I do have something wrong with
me. Embarrassing, but it's my duty to spread the word of... #tcgig |
 |
a_f1podcast:
terry here... I broke the too many tweets limit I'll be switching
to tweeting from @a_f1podcast #tcgig |
|
a_f1podcast:
what a cliffhanger to get blocked on #tcgig |
|
a_f1podcast:
Varicosa. I have a varicose vein on my testicle. That's what's wrong
with me. And it means the ache will stay forever #tcgig |
|
a_f1podcast:
So I’ve started to use it to make decisions in my day to day
life. One ache for coffee, two for tea #tcgig |
|
a_f1podcast:
Like he’s my superhero’s sidekick (Fig 4) #tcgig |
|
a_f1podcast:
And that's my story. I'm starting a charity for varicose vein on balls
sufferers - we should have a thin purple ribbon as our logo #tcgig |
|
tweetcomedyclub:
We are running so overschedule but the last two acts are amazing.
Next are 4 very very funny chaps #tcgig |
 |
PappysFunClub:
Before we begin, let’s do our pre-gig ritual. We all get round
in a circle and chant “AT LEAST WE’RE NOT GIGGING IN NOTTINGHAM.”
#tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
Our pre-gig ritual only changes if we’re playing in Nottingham,
when we gather in a circle and chant, “WE’RE ALL GOING
TO DIE.” #tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
Mat: and I'm Matthew. Together we are Pappy's Fun Club #tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
Br: I don't like my abbreviation. "Br". It makes me sound
cold. #tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
That's not what it means Tom. Anyway, on with the show! #tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
Performing sketch comedy on Twitter isn't easy. We're normally quite
visual. #tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
We're not going to be able to do the sketch where we all play curries,
Korma Comedian. #tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
And the sketch about the Cosmetic Surgeon who used to be in a biker
gang, Harley Street Davidson, is no good. #tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
We even wrote a sketch about Twitter. Unfortunately the cast is too
big. It's got 140 characters in it. #tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
Tom’s got a new game. Singing the song Thriller but replacing
the word thriller with rhyming words. #alt-thriller #tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
 Cos
it’s VANILLA! VANILLA night. #alt-thriller #tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
Cos
it’s CHINCHILLA! CHINCHILLA night. #alt-thriller #tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
Cos
it’s MANILLA! En-vel-ope! . #alt-thriller #tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
Everytime we do a text-based online gig we give out presents. #tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
Tom: And I've put it to use. Matthew, I've painted you a picture!
#tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
Br: That's great. I'm a bit jealous, actually. #tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
We're pitching for a horror movie. It's called "Things That Are
Only Scary For A Short Amount Of Time". #tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
Here are a few scene ideas! You'll shriek but then instantly recover.#tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
Thinking you've seen the ghost of a headless monk in your room when
actually it's a dressing gown on a hook #scarymoment #tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
Thinking you've lost your phone when actually you're talking on it.
#scarymoment #tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
Overhearing a parent telling off a child with the same name as you.
#scarymoment #tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
Wow. That was scary... but only momentarily. I did half a shit. Let's
do something more upbeat! #tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
This is the future of comedy. Not having to leave Pappy Towers to
do a gig. #tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
In fact, today was our big spring clean. Ben cleaned a big spring.
#tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
To help speed things up we get to choose music to play whilst we’re
doing our chores. #tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
Chariots of Fire theme tune slowed down ‘chore time’ to
a near halt. It’s very difficult to buff brass in slow motion.
#tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
Br: I took the bins out and washed up on ‘Chores 2’ my
new Nintendo DS game. Finished the level just as the boys were done
cleaning. #tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
Ben: The toaster was so dirty I decided to take it into the bath with
me for a clean. #tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
Spent the afternoon trying to resuscitate Ben. #tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
Damon
Albarn’s sideproject band, GORILLAz. #alt-thriller #notstrong
#tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
Seal’s
best single KILLER. #alt-thriller #kissfromarose? #tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
Br: I logged onto Second Life today. Alarmed to find that in his virtual
world my avatar is spending too much time on the computer. #tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
Br: Must spend more time online to ensure he has a more rounded existence.
#tcgig |
|
PappysFunClub:
Almost time to go. Just time for our final song. #tcgig |
 |
TerryWitter:
There's not going to be a final song. I'm shutting this Twitter gig
down. #tcgig |
|
TerryWitter:
I'm Terry Witter, the inventor of Twitter. I'm here with my friends
Frank Acebook, Mike Yspace and Stephen Fry. #tcgig |
|
TerryWitter:
Twitter isn't about jokes. It's about boring minutae. You're making
Twitter too entertaining. #tcgig |
|
TerryWitter:
It's not about comedy. It's about telling people you've had a cup
of tea. Or you've bought some cheese. #tcgig |
|
tweetcomedyclub:
Awesome work from @PappysFunClub.
Please check them out in Edinburgh this year where they'll be doing
200 sketches in an hour! #tcgig |
|
tweetcomedyclub:
They say a picture paints a thousand words, well they painted 140
characters. #tcgig |
|
tweetcomedyclub:
Finally ladies and gentlemen, give it up for our final act of this
evening. The last comedian to tread the twitter comedy boards...#tcgig |
 |
watsoncomedian:
Well, what a lovely night it's been. First of all give it up for all
the acts you've seen so far... (this is a bit of protocol) |
|
watsoncomedian:
My plan is to run through some of most popular old gags, 'greatest
hits' if you will. Then a bit of an interlude. Then some experiments. |
|
watsoncomedian:
I'm amazed they are allowed to promote Yorkie by saying 'IT'S NOT
FOR GIRLS'. Imagine if it was 'SNICKERS - NOT FOR BLACK PEOPLE.' |
|
watsoncomedian:
Oops everything I've done so far has missed out the tag #tcgig |
|
watsoncomedian:
I'm amazed they are allowed to promote Yorkie by saying 'IT'S NOT
FOR GIRLS'. Imagine if it was 'SNICKERS - NOT FOR BLACK PEOPLE.' #tcgig |
|
watsoncomedian:
Sorry about that technologically backward opening. #tcgig |
|
watsoncomedian:
Always sad to see footballers misbehave. There's a Welsh phrase: 'if
you have a promising career, don't jeopardise it with a rape'. #tcgig |
|
watsoncomedian:
South Africans can't do vowels. 'Secrets' and 'cigarettes' sound the
same. A S. African asked me can I have one of your cigarettes... #tcgig |
|
watsoncomedian:
...I said, well, I once masturbated in the British Library. #tcgig |
|
watsoncomedian:
Four or five jokes already. This is better than I've ever done on
Mock The Week. #tcgig |
|
watsoncomedian:
One person has heckled me. There's no time to respond now. I'll just
psychologically torture her for the remainder of her life. #tcgig |
|
watsoncomedian:
Are you imagining all this in an English or Welsh accent? Or a strangulated
mixture of the two, like I seem to have these days? #tcgig |
|
watsoncomedian:
When Lionel Richie sang 'I'm easy like Sunday morning', he obviously
wasn't trying to use the rail network. #tcgig |
|
watsoncomedian:
Otherwise it would be 'I'm fucking difficult for no apparent reason,
like Sunday morning'. #tcgig |
|
watsoncomedian:
Mission Impossible III was a bit lacking in suspense I thought. 'Well,
he's managed two. He'll probably crack this one.' #tcgig |
|
watsoncomedian:
Other poor sequels: 'Dude, Seriously, Just Take Me To My Car' #tcgig |
|
watsoncomedian:
And I didn't bother going to 'Monsters v Aliens' because someone spoiled
the result for me. #tcgig |
|
watsoncomedian:
A poem (homage to @timkeypoet):
Jim Steel. Got hiccups. From 1998 to 2003. But luckily. It was more
fun than his job had been. #tcgig |
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watsoncomedian:
Idea for a novel: there's this guy called Harry Wizard, right. And
he's amazing at pottery. I feel it needs a tweak. #tcgig |
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watsoncomedian:
Idea for a pun on the folly of cosmetic surgery: silicon implants?
Silly-cunt implants, more like. Again, work in progress. #tcgig |
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watsoncomedian:
I'm worried I may run out of either tweets or time. But this has been
fun, all night. Shame on those who disrupted it. #tcgig |
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watsoncomedian:
Last couple of jokes: Well, as my dad used to say, 'money: you can't
take it with you.' Which led to some pretty boring holidays. #tcgig |
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watsoncomedian:
He also used to say: 'You can't make an omelette...' (pause) Very
pessimistic man. #tcgig |
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watsoncomedian:
Why does Cliff Richard never die? Is God keeping him alive to inspire
us? Or just putting off having to meet him? #tcgig |
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watsoncomedian:
My music as I walk off is 'Use It' by the New Pornographers, if you
want to imagine it. I'm @watsoncomedian.
Thank you very much! #tcgig |
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tweetcomedyclub:
So. That is the end of the Twitter Comedy Club for tonight. Hope you've
all enjoyed it? #tcgig |
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tweetcomedyclub:
Please also keep tabs on the real live stuff that our acts are up
to as its really important to keep supporting live comedy. #tcgig |
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tweetcomedyclub:
.if you are in London come along to my gig Fat Tuesday tomorrow: wwwfattuesdaycomedy.co.uk
#tcgig |
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tweetcomedyclub:
.and come along to my Edinburgh show at 16.00pm everyday at the Fringe.
I've been @TiernanDouieb...#tcgig |
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